


winter always turns to spring

by emryses



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, But also, Canon Compliant, Canon Dialogue, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Episode: s01e10 The Moment of Truth, First Kiss, First Love, Growing Up Together, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Secret Relationship, Unrequited Love, Will Appreciation Fest 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:47:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26161369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emryses/pseuds/emryses
Summary: Merlin and Will, in six parts.Will was all cold and stone, bitter and dry — unable to open up without a crack forming somewhere. Merlin was gentle and calm, he was warm air on your skin after a chill, a gentle hand on the nape of your neck. Merlin could make you feel like the most wonderful person alive even when you didn’t think you were anyone worth being anything. He breathed life into whoever he spoke to. He was — well, simply put, Will thought Merlin was everything.
Relationships: Merlin/Will (Merlin)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 41





	winter always turns to spring

**I.**

Will was born in the winter and Merlin was born in the spring. The older Will grew the more this made sense to him. He was all cold and stone, bitter and dry — unable to open up without a crack forming somewhere. Merlin was gentle and calm, he was warm air on your skin after a chill, a gentle hand on the nape of your neck. Merlin could make you feel like the most wonderful person alive even when you didn’t think you were anyone worth being anything. He breathed life into whoever he spoke to. He was — well, simply put, Will thought Merlin was everything.

Their mothers were good friends — both very young and spending most of their time alone, doing their work, and so they leant on each other. Hunith never had anyone, no husband, no anything, and Will’s own father was often away serving the Kingdom.

Hunith liked to tell the story of when she was giving birth to Merlin, and how she was all alone — the assumption was that Merlin’s father, whoever he was, had already left — and it was Will’s mother, whose own baby was only a few months old, who came and helped her with the birth. Since that moment, the four of them were a team. Two women with their tiny baby boys taking on motherhood together.

Will remembers brutal winters growing up where the four of them would all sleep together in one bed for warmth, he remembers their mothers cooking together and sharing food. He remembers their mothers working together while Will and Merlin would play. Will’s clothing was passed down to Merlin when he outgrew what he wore. They shared everything in those younger years. They were a team; a well-oiled machine, they relied on each other.

He doesn’t remember a time where he didn’t know Merlin. As long as he could remember, and before that, there was him and Merlin. They spent almost every waking moment together for years. Will thought they ruled Ealdor like kings. Everyone loved them — or, maybe, they loved Merlin.

Merlin was always there, around every corner, in every moment of Will’s life, Merlin was there. Always _right there_ where Will needed him.

(Of course, Will never admitted that to Merlin — he didn’t need to. It was just a knowable truth that Will needed Merlin and, he hoped, Merlin needed him, too.)

* * *

_He hasn’t seen Merlin in months. It was the longest they’d ever spent apart, and Will had felt the ache of living without Merlin in almost every aspect of his life. He kept quiet, did his work, and went to bed. He no longer felt like the child he once was, playing with Merlin in the fields of Ealdor._

_Yet, when he sees Merlin again, he can’t stop himself from cracking a joke, poking fun at Merlin like he always used to. Merlin brings out the best — and, some would probably say, the worst — of him._

_“I thought I told you I didn’t want your kind around here.”_

_And Merlin smiles, that smile Will would never admit he missed. It makes him want to pull Merlin close, back into the forest clearing to where they would always go and just talk for hours and hours._

_“I missed you too, Will.”_

* * *

Will was six years old when he found out Merlin was full of magic.

Ealdor, being a small village on the outskirts of the kingdom, was not very literate. Except for — mysteriously — Hunith. She could read and write, and she often was responsible for the passing of written messages from one person to another.

Looking back, Will realized that Merlin must have been taught by Hunith — there was definitely no one else in the village who could have, but Will didn’t know that. He thought reading was something people either knew, or didn’t, and he figured he was a person who didn’t know it.

One day, when their mothers were out working in the fields, Merlin and Will were left on their own running around the village, causing chaos, as they ought to do. After they had been yelled at by Old Man Simmons for making too much of a ruckus, they sulked back off to Merlin’s house, unsure — and a little afraid — of what to do with themselves.

“We could read a story!” Merlin cried, running over to a basket in the corner of Hunith's home and pulling out a bundle of papers, and opening it up.

Will wandered over and peered over Merlin’s shoulder. The scrawls and the squiggles on the page made very little sense to him, but after a few minutes, Merlin put the paper on the ground next to him and was peering at the next page in his hand.

“You know what this says?” Will asked

“Yeah,” Merlin smiled, “You can’t read?”

Will shook his head, feeling slightly ashamed.

“My mummy wrote down some of my favourite stories she tells me at night time,” Merlin said, “So that I can read them when she is working if I want.”

“How did you learn to read?” Will asked.

“Mummy taught me!” Merlin gasped, “I could teach you!”

Will smiled because that sounded like the most incredible thing. That’s what the two of them did that day, Merlin tried to teach Will some of the words — he even taught him out to write his own name, W-I-L-L-I-A-M, and M-E-R-L-I-N. 

“You can practice by writing letters to me!” Merlin explained, “And I can write you letters back so that you can read them.”

It worked for a little while, but Will struggled with all the different words, and the shapes the words made, how each shape had a corresponding sound, and after a while, he was so frustrated he told Merlin he didn’t want to do it anymore. It wasn’t fun for him anymore.

Growing up, Will was constantly in awe of Merlin: how easily things came to him, how happy he was — the sheer size of his ears. He thought that Merlin must be magical because reading words and putting them on paper came so naturally to him that it had to be the work of magic.

It was easy for him to think of Merlin as magic when they were little because, in every possible way, Merlin was. Merlin didn’t cry and mope when he grew up because his father wasn’t around, Merlin could read, he knew how to spell his name, and he always had the _best_ ideas of how they would spend their time.

_“I could read you a story, Will.”_

_“Why don’t we catch frogs down by the creek?”_

_“We should make toy dragons out of corn husks!”_

All of Will’s best childhood memories involve Merlin in some way. His childhood was tranquil, and magical because Merlin was there with him. He would always remember the afternoon where he learned to spell M-E-R-L-I-N, and he would never quite forget the little boy with the large ears who was always by his side.

* * *

**II.**

His mother died when he was twelve years old. It was a nasty sickness that ran through the whole village, both Will and his mother had gotten sick, but Will had somehow managed to push through it. His mother did not. She, along with ten others in the village, died that winter. They had to wait for the ground to thaw before burying them. 

His father was devastated, and when he arrived home the only thing he did was drink. He stayed until his mother was in the ground, and then he told Will he had to return to fight for the Kingdom.

“It is my duty, William,” he said, “And one day it will be yours.”

Will didn’t like the sound of that much, but he didn’t know how to say it. He bid his father goodbye, and he looked around the home that his mother worked so hard to build on her own, and he wondered what was to happen to it all. He couldn’t fathom the idea that he was supposed to stay there on his own.

He figured he wasn’t an orphan, but his father wasn’t around. He couldn’t just quit serving a King. The pay was enough for him to afford his family’s life in Ealdor. Every third or fourth week his father would return home, or a messenger from the Kingdom would come, and deliver some funds to Will’s mother. Now, he supposed, those coins would have to come to him.

Would he have to cook by himself? Clean up after himself? Who was to sing him a song at night, who was to tuck him in and wish him a good morning when he woke? He and his mother hadn’t had much in their small one-room shack, but it was their home. Now it felt too large, too empty.

He thought of the burial. Merlin and Hunith stood by his and his father’s side. Hunith had hugged him close, Merlin standing quietly behind her. The whole village had been in mourning for weeks.

After it was done and people began to leave, Hunith stepped away with Will’s father. He and Merlin were left in front of the hole in the ground and the wooden cross under which Will’s mother lay. 

“I’m sorry,” Merlin whispered.

“You didn’t kill her.”

Merlin shifted beside him, “But — I don’t know what else to say?”

Will shrugged, “Don’t worry about it, Merlin.”

“I miss her…”

“Merlin—”

“She was like a mum to me, you know?”

Anger rose in Will, sharp like a knife, until it exploded out of him, “Well, you still got one of those, yeah?”

Merlin recoiled, “I didn’t mean—”

Will was too angry to finish the conversation, so he turned and ran away, fully past his father and Hunith talking and into the forest where he knew he could find some fallen trees to hide in. He stayed there until he heard his father yelling for him to come home. His father had poured him some soup (which, from the taste of it, was Hunith’s cooking) and then he packed up and left.

Will wanted to go find Merlin, but he wanted to still be mad at what Merlin had said. A little part of him knew that Merlin hadn’t meant anything bad — he probably was just trying to make Will feel better. Merlin was always trying to make Will feel better, and Will had probably made him feel even worse now. But Will could remember that at least Merlin was home with his mother, and any feelings of reconciliation he had toyed with were immediately gone.

* * *

He lasted for three days ignoring Merlin after his mother’s burial. Those three days posed very difficult for him because Hunith brought him almost every meal, and Merlin would lurk behind her (as he often did) and Will would be forced to not make eye contact with Merlin.

After the third day, Will mumbled a thank you to Hunith, who was packing up the dishes to bring over to the creek. She kissed him on the forehead (like she always did) and when she was walking towards the door, Will made the stupid decision to look Merlin in the eye.

“Bye Will,” Merlin said, giving him a wave.

And Will, tired and lonely, twelve years old and half an orphan, gave him a little wave back. And Merlin, who had always known him the best of all, lit up because he knew this was Will’s own way of saying their argument was forgotten.

The next day, when Merlin showed up with their breakfast without Hunith in tow, they continued on like they always did. The two of them rarely fought, they hated not speaking to each other. So, their argument was forgotten. But they never talked about Will’s mother ever again. 

* * *

_The moment Will saw Arthur Pendragon he knew he hated him._

_It was simple, really. A man he’s never known barges into his village with his best friend in tow — a friend he hasn’t seen in months and all because his mother sent him away to “find himself” or something of the sort. Not to mention, his best friend is now serving this stupid prince, and Will is expected to follow everything he says?_

_What makes Arthur Pendragon more capable of dealing with Kanen’s men than Will and the rest of Ealdor? What makes him so special that Merlin will obey his every command? He remembers when Merlin would have turned his nose up at someone like Arthur Pendragon, and now he’s watching Merlin turn away from him, only seconds after Will has had him back, and going to stand behind him, hands folded gently in front of him, watching him with eager eyes._

_Truly, what made Arthur Pendragon so damn special in Merlin’s eyes?_

* * *

**III.**

Will was fourteen when he walked into one of the barns to gather food for the cows and he saw one of the farmhands and a girl from the village kissing against a pile of hay. He gasped, though they thankfully didn’t notice him, and he moved to hide behind a hay bale and watched them for a moment. 

He was entranced by the way the boy’s hands were wrapped around the girl’s waist, pulling her in. They were pushed up close against each other, and the girl’s arms were wrapped around the boy’s neck and their _mouths_ were sealed together. 

Will was gaping at them, mouth almost on the ground because it had never _occurred_ to him that _this_ is something people did. His mother used to kiss him on the cheek, on his forehead, Hunith kissed him on the cheek, but the idea of someone pressing their _mouth_ to another person’s like that — _wow_. The idea of it made him feel embarrassed.

Once he thought about doing _that_ with someone he couldn’t stop, and he had felt his face turn warm with flush. Watching the farm boy’s hands trail along the girl’s hips, and reach towards her — her _butt_ — what the hell?

Very quickly it occurred to him that this was a moment he shouldn’t be watching like it was something _very_ private, and he immediately ran from the barn as fast as he could.

 _I have to find Merlin,_ was his first thought, running as fast as his feet could take him to Merlin and Hunith’s home. It was late, the sun just starting to set, but Will managed to convince Merlin to come with him, much to Hunith’s concern — “William, you better not keep him out too late, you hear?!”

They went to a forest clearing, and Will told Merlin the show thing, Merlin’s jaw dropped the entire time. _Kissing!_ He knew people must do it but he had rarely thought about it or been presented with it directly.

“Have — have you kissed anyone?” Will asked.

Merlin snorted, “Who would I kiss here?” The question was fair — there weren’t many other kids their age in Ealdor. A lot of families had moved into larger villages around the Kingdom. There were no girls their age. Or — or even boys. If that was allowed?

Was kissing a boy allowed? Could Will — would Will kiss someone like Merlin?

Embarrassed, Will turned his gaze down to the river passing in front of them. The night was quiet, the clearing around them getting darker, and the moon starting to appear bright in the sky.

“What do you think it’d be like? Kissing someone, that is.” Merlin asked.

Will turned and looked at him. Merlin was also looking across the water, light bouncing back and shining across his face. Will scrunched up his nose and tried to remember if he ever saw his father kiss his mother. Maybe a quick peck when his father would be leaving, but that’s all. The kiss he had seen was different — it was _long_ , they didn’t even look like they were _breathing_. 

“Dunno,” Will replied.

Merlin stretched and laid down in the grass, arms folding and resting behind his head. He was looking up at the sky. Merlin did a lot of stuff like that — looked away into the distance, like he was far away. Will liked to watch him like that, he always wondered what Merlin was thinking about when he looked away.

“I think it might feel good,” Will whispered, “It has to feel good if people do it, right?”

“My mum doesn’t do it,” Merlin said.

“Well — maybe she did once. Maybe with your father.”

Merlin grew uncomfortable, and Will immediately felt bad. He knew better than to bring up Merlin’s father, “I don’t know who my father is,” Merlin whispered, “I also don’t really want to think of Mum kissing.”

Will laughed because that was a fair point. 

He moved and settled back on the grass himself, head turned, and watching Merlin when he said, “I think kissing should be between you and someone you care about.”

Merlin looked like he considered this for a second. Will watched how the light shone across his profile, and his breath caught in the back of his throat for a moment before he had to look away.

“I care about you,” Merlin whispered.

Tightness grew in Will’s chest. He heard Merlin move beside him, and when he looked Merlin was sitting up again, looking out across the water.

“How are you supposed to know if you’re any good at it?” 

Will sat up, swallowing around the lump that had formed in his throat, “Practice?”

“Should we be practicing?” Merlin’s question was so innocent, that Will almost wanted to laugh.

“With who?”

Merlin sighed, his hands moved and were fiddling with the strands of grass around them.

Silence came around them. Will thought the conversation would probably be done — Hunith would want Merlin home soon, she never liked him out at night. But Will thought about practicing, his mind wandering again to what it would be like to kiss anyone. It seemed natural to him to think of Merlin again, they were the only ones their age in the village. You should probably kiss someone your age, right?

“ _We_ could practice,” Will mumbled.

Will could feel the air move when Merlin whipped his head towards him, “What do you mean?”

“Well if you’re so worried about being _good_ at it, and there’s no one here to practice with we could — I mean — if you wanted to.”

Will really hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. He was sure that Merlin wasn’t going to agree. He would probably laugh and shove Will’s shoulder and tell him he was being an idiot and they would go to bed.

“Okay,” Merlin said.

Will felt like he was going to vomit. But that probably wasn’t a good thing to do before kissing someone. So he nodded, “Okay,” he whispered.

They moved awkwardly so they were sitting across from each other, Merlin with his legs crisscrossed and Will moving to sit on his shins, feet nestled under him. For a moment he was glad that they were doing this in the darkness, because his face felt like it was on fire, and knowing Merlin’s tendency to turn into a tomato, he probably wasn’t much better off.

Merlin laughed once they were settled, and it warmed a part of Will for a brief moment. Then, he leaned forward and put his mouth on Merlin’s. 

His first thought was, lips are weird. Merlin’s mouth was dry and a bit chapped against his, but it felt … good. Something warm formed in Will’s stomach, like the nervousness he had before was melting away into something nice and familiar.

The kiss really only lasted for a brief moment, and then Will felt Merlin pull away, it took him a moment to open his eyes. When he did, he saw Merlin just … _staring_ at him.

“W-what’d you think?”

Merlin didn’t say anything, and Will thought it was over, but before he could pull back completely, Merlin was leaning forward again and pressing another kiss onto Will’s mouth.

The last kiss was good, it was nice, maybe Will got what kissing was all about now and it probably would have been enough to satisfy his curiosity. But the way Merlin kissed him _now_ was different, it was deeper, it made the warm feeling in Will’s stomach boil and flip.

He brought a tentative hand up to the back of Merlin’s head and pulled him close. They both paused for air, and then it continued. Will could hear the sound of their lips meeting and separating, and Will finally thought, _yeah, I get what kissing is about now._

Finally, they pulled back, both of them breathing heavily. Will could feel his lips tingling and Merlin’s looked fuller, more red and flushed. The thought that _Will_ did that to him did more funny things to his stomach.

“Okay,” Merlin said.

Will nodded, “Yeah.”

“Kissing is … okay.”

“Yeah.”

“I gotta—” Merlin looked away, looking panicked, “Mum will want me back home so I should—”

“Yeah,” Will said.

Merlin left in a hurry. And Will — no father around, no mother alive — sat by the river and watched the moon for a very long time.

* * *

The kissing continued. They would spend their day together, as they usually did, and then they would go to the forest clearing at night, and usually ended up kissing for hours. 

“It just — it feels nice with you,” Merlin would say, “Doesn’t it?”

And Will would nod, almost speechless, because _yeah,_ it felt nice.

“It’s not hurting anyone,” Will would say, “It’s just between us. Something — something special between us.”

And they would kiss as long as their lips could stand it until they were stinging and red and too sore to continue; or until they could hear Hunith calling out for Merlin back in the village.

“I have to go,” Merlin would laugh.

“No,” Will mumbled, his mouth trailing along Merlin’s jaw. He was lying half on top of Merlin, their chests pressed together, and he could feel Merlin’s heartbeat through their shirts.

“Mum is calling me,” Merlin gasped, as Will pressed his tongue underneath Merlin’s jaw, “You — you don’t want her to find us like—”

“Like this?” Will asked, curling his tongue behind Merlin’s ear.

“Yes!” Merlin gasped again, then pushed Will away, “I have to _go_ ,” he whined.

Will rolled over onto his back, “Okay.”

Merlin sat up, Will watched as he wiped at his neck and mouth, knowing he was trying to make himself as inconspicuous as possible when he returned home to Hunith. He looked over at Will, and smiled, leaned over and pressed a final, quick kiss to Will’s lips.

“Bye,” he said, and got up to leave.

It would go something like that.

* * *

_Will heard Merlin call after him, but he didn’t stop. He couldn't stand there and watch his whole village wish to become martyrs and die, and he needed to get away from Merlin standing so obediently next to his Prince. He had a home to clean up, one that had yet again been ransacked in search of food or gold._

_Merlin followed him. Because of course, Merlin would follow him when Will didn’t actually want to talk to him._

_“He knows what he’s doing and you’ve got to trust him,” Merlin says, standing miserably in his doorway. Will could barely contain the roll of his eyes, “Look, when I first met Arthur I was exactly like you, I hated him — thought he was pompous and arrogant.”_

_“Well nothing’s changed there then,” Will threw back, without even turning to look at Merlin. He couldn’t look at Merlin right now. He turned to his father’s armour he had displayed ever since it was returned to him. It had been knocked over._

_“But in time,” Merlin continued, “I came to respect him for what he stands for, what he does.”_

_“I know what he stands for. Princes, kings, all men like him.”_

_“Will, don’t bring what happened to your father into this.”_

_“I’m not,” Will spun around, “Why are you defending him so much? You’re just his servant.”_

_“He’s also my friend.”_

_“Friends don’t lord it over one another.”_

_“He isn’t like that.”_

_“Really?” Will found that laughable, “Well, let’s see until the fighting begins and see who he sends in to die first. I guarantee you it won’t be him.”_

_“I trust Arthur with my life.”_

_Will wanted to scream — you hardly know him! Merlin only met the guy months ago once he left. He’s his servant and probably makes his bed, cleans his clothes, brings him food, and Merlin would die for him in a moment's notice?_

_“Is that so?” Will let out a breath, “So he knows your secret then?”_

_Merlin’s gaze didn’t move from Will. But the answer was clear._

_“Face it, Merlin, you’re living a lie, just like you were here. You’re Arthur’s servant, nothing more. Otherwise, you’d tell him the truth.”_

* * *

They wouldn’t always kiss. In fact, during the daylight, their relationship didn’t change at all. They worked together, they still ate dinner together most days — with Hunith as well. Their newfound connection remained a night time activity.

It didn’t stop Will from looking at Merlin. All-day, every day, watching his every move and the way he laughed. The way his ears turned pink when they would stand outside in the sun all day, or watching the length of his forearm, to his hands, to the tips of his fingers when he would roll up his sleeves to do work.

Will would think about kissing Merlin in the daylight, about pulling him aside when they were doing their work on the crops, and putting a hand on his cheek and kissing him in front of everyone. He wants to feel the heat of the sun on the back of his neck when his lips are pressed against Merlin’s.

He won’t, though. For so many reasons. The one most of all being that he isn’t sure how Merlin would react. They started this whole kissing thing for practice, right? _It just feels nice_ , Merlin would say, and Will would just nod like an idiot.

Will’s favourite time was when they would finish work and they could just lie in the forest clearing like they always did. They would kiss sometimes, yes, but Will’s favourite moment was when they would lay beside one another in the grass and look up at the sky.

“Do you feel something out here?” Merlin asked him once, “Like — like there’s something in the air?”

Will swallowed, he couldn’t stop staring, Merlin was so beautiful, “Yeah.”

* * *

**IV.**

The news of his father’s death arrived by messenger after Will turned fifteen. Will got a letter, which he could barely read past the names he recognized. The letter arrived with a small package holding his father’s chainmail and coat of arms. He had held them in his hands, the weight of it very heavy, for many moments before he’s able to move from his home.

Hunith would have been expecting him. It was his usual day of working in the fields with Merlin, and he was already late. There was a knock on his door, and it opened with a creak, Merlin appearing behind it.

“You’re late,” he said, “Mum’s looking for you.”

Will didn’t reply.

“Will?”

Merlin crossed the room to where Will was sitting. He heard Merlin say his name once more, but couldn’t respond. Instead, he moved the letter into Merlin’s hands and watched Merlin’s face as he read it.

“Will—” Merlin said, “What should I—”

“Can you read it for me?” Will asked, “I know what it says, but I also — I want to know exactly what it says.”

Merlin swallowed, nodded, and sat down beside Will. When he read the letter, his voice wavered slightly. It was too much, and Will’s hand moved of its own accord and grabbed onto Merlin’s. Will closed his eyes and listened to the words that Merlin was saying, and he just held on.

* * *

His father was a complicated man, and their relationship even more so. After his mother’s death, his father was gone more often. It was a mix between more war arising across the kingdoms, and Will’s own father unsure of what to do with him. Apparently staying away was the best answer for Will's father.

When he would come home, it was often long lectures to Will about how fighting was to be his call to duty, that once William was old enough he would join his father in battle and become a good, honest man. (Will wasn’t quite sure how being absent from your child’s life constituted becoming a good man.)

The news of his father’s death was a shock. It was confirmation that Will was officially an orphan after feeling like one for years. But the feelings that came with it were confusing. There was sadness, but mostly anger. Will was so angry that his father was taken away from him fighting for a King he never would have met, fighting for some purpose he claimed was to be so fulfilling that it took him away from his wife and child, and only ended up killing him in the end.

Will was excused from his work that day. He wanted to refuse — he wanted a distraction and working in the fields was the best way to do that. But he didn’t want to deal with the reactions of the villagers around him.

For the second time in his life, people were tip-toeing around him, their eyes flashing guilt towards him. The same happened when his mother died and he had hated it, the pitiful glances, the _I’m so sorry for your losses_ , that came with losing someone. Everyone pitied him. Stupid Orphan Will with no parents, living on his own with no one there besides him.

He ended up in the forest clearing. No one was there, and he felt like he could relax. He laid down in the cool grass and closed his eyes, wishing he could sleep for days. He laid there for hours by himself, the sun was just beginning to set when he heard someone make his way towards him.

“Will!” Merlin called out, “Are you there?”

Will let out a sigh and sat up as he watched Merlin come through the trees. His eyes settled on Will for a moment before they dropped away as if he was afraid to make eye contact.

“Don’t do that,” Will snapped.

“Do what?”

“Pity me, I don’t need any of your pity today, Merlin. Not today, not any other day.”

Merlin glared, “I’m not _pitying_ you.”

“Yeah, sure, okay then.”

“God, why do you have to be such an _ass_ sometimes? I’m just trying to _help_ you.”

“Avoiding my gaze and acting like a wounded animal around me really isn’t helping me much,” Will spat.

“Look, I just came to check on you, not fight with you.”

Will rolled his eyes, “Well, I’m fine. You can go back to mummy now.”

Merlin took a step back, obviously wounded but he didn’t move. His hands were fiddling in front of himself, and Will couldn’t watch any more of it. He flopped back down on the grass, pressing his palms into his eyes to stop them from burning.

“I just—” Merlin’s voice broke, and it took him a moment to continue, “I want to help.”

Will sighed, his hands dropping by his sides, “I just want to pretend for a little bit that everything is normal,” he said, “In fact, I want to pretend things are even _better_ than normal, I want a distraction.”

Merlin didn’t say anything, but nodded, moving to sit next to Will. His hands immediately went in front of him and began to fiddle and pull at the grass below them. He looked very deep in thought.

“Just—” Will stopped, rubbing a hand over his eyes again, “Just _be_ here.”

Merlin’s face softened, “Yeah,” he whispered, “‘Course.”

Will felt himself relax, at the end of the day the person he would want there with him was Merlin. He shouldn’t push him away, he remembers those days after his mother’s funeral, when he was without Merlin. He shouldn’t do that to himself again.

“Why don’t you start a fire or something?” Will suggested. It was getting dark and they’d need some form of light soon, anyway.

There are many moments in his life that Will would never forget. He would never forget the day his mother died, her hand in his as he sat by her bedside, and he would never forget the last time he saw his father riding away on his horse off to a battle that would ultimately kill him, and what came next is something he would never, ever, for as long as he lived, forget. 

Merlin nodded and quickly built a small fire, but instead of reaching into his pocket to pull out the flint Will knew he kept in his pocket, Merlin put a hand in front of the logs, as if he was warming it on an invisible fire. He was staring intently, and Will was about to ask what Merlin thought he was doing when Merlin’s eyes lit up, warm like the fire itself, and the logs burst into flames under his palm.

 _Merlin was magic,_ Will thought.

“Is that a good enough distraction?” Merlin asked him.

Will sat up immediately, and moved into Merlin’s space, taking his face in his hands and pulling him for a deep kiss. Merlin's hands went to Will’s wrists and held on tightly.

When Will pulled back, Merlin immediately started talking.

“I was born this way, Will, I’ve always wanted you to know but Mum always said it was too dangerous, so I was just — I was waiting for the right time. There was never a right time, I’m really sorry. But — was it a good enough distraction? I just — I wanted to make you happy,” he paused, “Do you hate me?”

Will shut him up with another kiss.

“I could never hate you.”

~

_Ealdor felt more alive with Merlin back in it. Will didn’t see him for the rest of the night — he must be busy with his new Camelot friends and the Prince he so desperately wishes to die for._

_The next time Will sees Merlin, he is crossing a field into a small patch of trees with an axe in hand. It’s like a compulsion, Will follows him._

_“Merlin,” he calls out, “Where are you going with that thing?”_

_Merlin turns to him, “What does it look like? We need wood.”_

_Will scoffs, “We both know you don’t need an axe to fell a tree.”_

_“And I remember the trouble it got me into, I nearly flattened Old Man Simmons,” Merlin replies, gesturing off towards the village._

_“Yeah, well, he deserved it, stupid old crone,”_

_“He never did like me anyway,” Merlin says._

_“Even less after that,” Will jokes back, and it earns him a smile from Merlin, which (god help him) warms that part in Will that only Merlin has ever been able to touch._

_They share a look. Merlin is watching him carefully, and Will is watching him back. He wishes the trees around them were denser, he wants to kiss Merlin, he wants to yell at him for being so loyal to a man who will just end up killing him in the end._

_“Why are you being like this?” Merlin asks._

_“You know why,” is Will’s only reply._

* * *

“We could leave here one day, you know.”

They were laying in the grass next to the fire, Merlin was curled against Will’s side, his hand playing with the front of Will’s shirt, Will had his arm around Merlin’s shoulders.

“Leave Ealdor?” 

“Yeah,” Will said, “There’s just … so much bad stuff here. Don’t you sometimes just want to go somewhere new just to get away from it all? Where no one knows you at all, completely start over.”

“I don’t think I could leave my mum like that,” Merlin mumbled.

Will smiled gently to himself, Merlin had always been a silly mummy's boy Will turned his head to press a kiss against Merlin's forehead, “Maybe she could come with us, then.”

Merlin laughed, his arm wrapping around Will’s waist, fingertips trailing against the side of Will's body, making him shiver, “Mum would never leave Ealdor, even if I dragged her by her heels.”

They laid comfortably in the grass together for a few moments, listening to the crickets, the fire blazing warm beside them. Usually, they would have had to rebuild it by this point, but Merlin has kept it strong and blazing for them all night long.

“One day, though,” Merlin whispered, “We could go somewhere new.”

* * *

**v.**

They were sixteen, and it was the middle of summer. It was scorching hot, the kind of heat that felt endless and made sweat break out on the back of your neck the second you woke up. They were charged with felling a few trees that were threatening to fall through summer storms. 

“Are you going to help me or not?” Merlin laughed, throwing another whack at the tree he had been working on for a while.

“You and I both know you don’t really _need_ my help,” Will said from where he was leaning against another tree, stretching his arms back behind his head and flashing Merlin a grin.

“I already told you,” Merlin said, his voice dropping to a whisper, “I’m not using my magic to do tasks like this, it’s too dangerous.”

“No one would _care_ ,” Will told him, _again_. He had been telling Merlin that for close to a year at this point.

“No, people would just use it to their advantage and slag off their work leaving it all to me.”

Will let out a belly laugh, “Now who would do that?”

“Come help me!” Merlin whined.

Will rolled his eyes, sat up and made his way over to where Merlin stood in front of the large stump, axe still in hand. 

“You know you could do it,” Will whispered to him, “And then we could sneak off for a bit and,” he wiggled his eyebrows, “You know.”

Merlin slapped Will’s chest, “I’m not using my magic so that we can sneak off to the creek.”

“You _could_ , though.”

Merlin pursed out his lips in thought (which was a little distracting, yeah) and Will watched the cranks turn in Merlin’s mind — it was one of his favourite things to do. 

“ _Just_ this once,” Merlin said, “And just because it’s so hot.”

“Uh-huh,” Will nodded, “Get on with it, yeah?”

* * *

_Will was gathering things as quickly as he possibly could and shoving them into his rucksack. He heard the familiar pattern of Merlin’s feet, “Don’t bother, Merlin, I’m not interested.”_

_“You should be,” Merlin says, “Because tomorrow Kanen attacks and whether you like it or not you have to fight.”_

_“Not if I’m not there,” Will shoots right back. No one has ever been able to successfully tell him what to do, not since he was twelve years old, and he’s not going to let Merlin do it now. Not with something like his life._

_“That’s up to you, but the rest of us are staying.” Merlin pauses, and Will doesn’t look up, can’t look up, “Join us, Will. This isn’t about Arthur, this is about your friends. Are you really going to abandon them?”_

_Bitter and angry, it rose out of him, “What, like you did?”_

* * *

The tree fell just inches from Old Man Simmons, it would have completely crushed him. Will would have thought it humorous if the pale look on Merlin’s face hadn’t made him feel absolutely awful. The whole village had been brought to the scene, Hunith standing on the sidelines watching it all happen. When everyone had finally cleared out, Simmons finished giving Will and Merlin an ear load about paying attention and respecting their elders, Hunith called out.

“Merlin,” she said, “Come here.”

Merlin swallowed and sulked off.

“William,” she said, “You finish felling this tree now that it’s on the ground.”

Will figured that there would be no creek with Merlin that day.

In fact, Will didn’t see Merlin for the next two days. For a village as small as Ealdor, that was especially strange. He wasn't working on the fields, he wasn’t in the barns with the animals. Will figured he was home but he had a feeling Hunith was _really_ upset with him and didn’t risk going close to their home.

Will was laying in his bed, well after nightfall trying to get some sleep when he heard someone sneak in through the door.

“What the—”

“Sorry,” Merlin whispered, “I had to wait until Mum was asleep.”

“Did you sneak out?” Will hissed. Merlin had never disobeyed Hunith _ever_ , he was too much of a good boy to do anything of the sort.

“It was the only way I could come explain what was going on,” Merlin said, he came and sat on the end of Will’s bed, arms pulling his knees up against his chest. 

“Mum didn’t know you knew,” he explained, “About my magic.”

That was sort of a shock to Will, mostly because it meant that Merlin was keeping a secret from Hunith for well over a year at this point, which was another thing Will didn’t think was possible for Merlin to do.

“So?”

“Well I sort of wasn’t supposed to _tell_ anyone, and she’s pissed that I told you,” Merlin said, “I almost told her you’ve known for a year, but I much prefer my skin on my body, thanks.”

Will chuckled, Hunith could be ruthless if she wanted to. A woman had to be to raise a child without a husband.

“Okay, what, so she’s pissed at you? That’ll pass in a few days,” Will chuckled, “What does it matter?”

“She thinks more people knowing is dangerous, she just wants me to be safe. I — I can’t always control it, Will. I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time it just — it just sort of _happens_ ,” Merlin dropped his gaze, “She wants to send me away.”

“Send you away?!” Will yelled. _Hunith_? 

Merlin shushed him, “She — she has an uncle who lives in Camelot—”

“ _Camelot_ ?!” Will couldn’t hold back his volume, “As in the kingdom where magic is _banned_? Merlin, I’m sorry, you know I love your mother, but is she in the _ale_ or something?”

Merlin did this half-shrug, half-flail movement with his arms that screamed, _I don’t know!_

“She knows someone who might be able to help me!” he cried, “I can’t — I can’t stay here and hide who I am in this village for the rest of my life with — with this _thing_ I can’t control.”

“You’ll learn to control it,” Will said.

“Not on my own,” Merlin replied, Will could see the tears in his eyes, “I’m dangerous — I almost killed Old Man Simmons!” 

Will shifted upon his bed, and took Merlin’s hand in his, “No, you didn’t. Merlin, you’re not a killer. It was _my_ fault, I told you to use your magic. None of this would be happening if I just helped you fell the damn tree.”

Merlin shook his head, “I just don’t know what to do,” he whispered, “I’ve spent all my life with this _thing_ inside me that I can’t control properly.”

Will watched him for a moment. He didn’t want to watch Merlin cry, he didn’t want to watch Merlin struggle, but he could see how badly he was from this decision. And, perhaps for the first time, Will saw Merlin as he truly was. Will was cold and broken, Ealdor's resident orphan. But Merlin, who was the warmth to Will's ice, was just as lost, just as lonely, in many ways. Will could not imagine the weight of a secret as large as Merlin's.

“Merlin…” Will whispered, “I think you do know what you need to do.”

Merlin turned his head away from Will, and said, "You could tell me not to go. You know I wouldn't."

Will did know that. Which was exactly why he couldn’t tell Merlin to stay.

They kissed for a very long time that night. It was the first time they had kissed somewhere other than their special forest clearing by the creek. Will was desperate, he was panicked and he wished himself to not let it show. When Merlin touched him it was like he was burning, he was the warmth to the coldness Will felt settling over his heart. He was everything and somehow, though Will didn't wish to admit it to himself, he knew part of this was finality. He and Merlin would never quite be the same.

* * *

Merlin left Ealdor on a Wednesday. He didn't say goodbye.

* * *

**VI.**

Will's final plan was to leave Ealdor as soon as the sun rose above the fields. Merlin found him outside the village down by the creek. It was dark, except for the moon, and Will was taking what he believed to be a final moment in this spot for himself. 

“I have been looking for you," Merlin says, “I thought you would have left by now."

“Is the Prince done with his knightly rally cry? Have his little soldiers settled down for the night?"

He heard Merlin sigh from behind him, “You won't change your mind? Come and fight with us."

Will shakes his head, adjusting the strap of his bag around his shoulders, "I'm not going to sit around and wait to die."

“You won't,” Merlin insists.

Will felt the roll of his eyes and turned to look at Merlin. He couldn't keep having the same argument with him over and over again. Arthur Pendragon was going to get the whole village killed, he knew it. And Merlin could stop it.

“I might,” Will mumbles, dropping his gaze towards the creek again. He was reminded of a moment between the two of them here, almost two years ago. For Will, it was probably the only fight he really had left in him. He stood up and turned to Merlin.

“You could come with me,” he says.

“What?”

“Defeat Kanen yourself, and then come with me,” Will insists, he reaches a hand towards Merlin, “What does it matter if your stupid little prince finds out? We can run away like we always said we would. Start over somewhere together.”

“I—” Merlin stutters, “Will — I can’t, you know I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“There’s too much I’m needed for in Camelot.”

“What? What are you so desperately needed for? Washing the prince’s undergarments?” Will laughs, a little bitterly, “Merlin you can barely tidy up after yourself, how in the world are you doing it for someone else?”

“Not — it’s not that,” Merlin shakes his head, “It’s more important than that.”

“What then?” Will asks, desperately, “What aren’t you telling me?”

Merlin looked back at Will, eyes large and wet, trying to communicate something he couldn’t quite say out loud, though Will didn’t know why. Then, it hit him very suddenly. The person Will hasn’t quite shut up about since he got back home, the person he’s been hearing about from Hunith for _months_ in the short letters Merlin has written her. Never to Will, though, Merlin hasn’t written anything to Will.

“ _Him?_ ” Will hoped his voice wasn’t breaking.

Merlin seemed to realize what Will was insinuating, what Will really meant, and he took a step, trying to reach forward, “Will, it’s not like that —” 

“I think it is,” Will says, taking his own step backwards and putting his hand out as a barrier between them. He hardly felt like he was _breathing_ right now, he wouldn’t be able to think properly if Merlin touched him now.

“Arthur needs me.”

 _I need you_ , Will thought, selfishly, _I’ve always needed you and you were supposed to always be there._ Merlin always used to be right where Will needed him.

He swallowed around the tightness in his throat, pushing back tears he knew were coming, “I’m not going to sit and fight for a man who doesn’t give a damn if I end up alive or dead,” he spits out, “And neither should you. You are his _servant_ , nothing else, nothing more. Not _ever_.”

Merlin’s face contorts with emotion before he pushes out, “We’ll see.”

Will nodded, his gaze dropping, “Guess that’s it, then. Goodbye, Merlin.”

“Will, don’t—”

“You made your choice,” Will spat, “Clearly it’s not me.”

Merlin didn’t say anything. And if that wasn’t the nail in the coffin, Will didn’t know what was.

* * *

When it came down to it, Will was just weak. He didn't return to fight for Ealdor or to honour his father, or any sort of ulterior motive. He came, really quite simply, for Merlin. Though Merlin had made it very clear where he was to go after the fighting was over, made it very clear who his choice of a new life was to be with, Will needed to be there. If Merlin was to die or to do anything to stop the battle, Will needed to be there for him. He couldn't leave Merlin alone.

He made the choice the second he heard the battle cries start.

* * *

_“Merlin — Merlin, I’m scared.”_

_“It’s going to be alright.”_

_The pain was overwhelming, his whole body felt like it was burning all the while there was a chill running through him. The only thing Will could focus on was the pain, and Merlin’s face, and Merlin’s hand in his hair, fingers stroking back and forth._

_At least Merlin was there, always right where—_

_“Merlin—”_


End file.
